It's going to be my birthday pretty soon here, worst ever I am sure - because I feel so lost and so completely emotionally shot at this point in my life. I've lost pretty much the only thing that ever mattered to me, and it hurts a lot still so it's going to be hard to get into a celebratory mood. I feel like I am getting older too, so that doesn't help any ; combined with the fact that I never thought I would be at this point in my life ; nor had any indication that it was going into that direction.
For someone to go through what I have, would drive most people completely nuts. But I've been pretty chill lately, just trying to get my life on track in this mess that is my life. I wish, and have always only wished Laura the best and hope she finds what it is she's looking for, but I have my sincere doubts that she will find it. Laura was my best friend, my lover, and my only trusted companion - these are traits that are so hard to find today, it's amazing what we shared and what we went through together. Our love was strong. It hurts that she did not feel the same way, and doubted our future together, as I never thought it would be anything but bright and full of good times to come as things had been so much better. I put pretty much my entire life into making her reach her goals, spent countless amounts of money on her education and put her into vehicles our entire relationship. But these were things I did out of love, and caring. I would do them all over again, because I still love
her and call me an idiot but this feeling is one which does not go away for me.
I can be mad at what she did. I am sure she is mad at countless things that I have done in my life, but the hardest parts were over and we were talking again about getting married. I bought a new ring and she put hers into the shop, even asked my friend Jon to kidnap me so we could get married in Tahoe - I mean, the things she said and then turned around to do this - is just amazing. I can't believe she thought this was the way you do things, because in my book that's what we call a total backstab.
But do I hold a grudge? Nope. I've done enough in my life to know , what goes around comes around. It's very likely Laura will be unhappy in love for the rest of her life, after doing what she's done - and that's a pretty likely scenario in my opinion. I loved her and looked past her faults ; which I have no desire to go into detail about here. It's nobody's business. In my eyes she will always be a wonderful girl to me, and a big part of my life - as we shared almost 10 years together. It hurts me to know that on the 19th I will not have her for the first time in my adult life ; I miss her so much - my heart is so broken still and I cannot believe she doesn't feel the same and won't be thinking about it. I want her back so badly, I wish she knew she was THE only girl for me and her little insecurities just got in the way if she ever thought I would cheat on her. I never did, she was the only one for me and I don't think that this is an easy thing at all to find in today's world.
But who knows? Maybe she's cold as ice and just doesn't give a hoot. But I thought I knew her better than that, than this -- I'm still shocked I guess. I feel pretty much empty ; I'm at the point where I am wishing these feelings would stop , trying to ignore them - but it just goes on and on and on... I can't get her out of my head, she's just with me and I have dreams about her constantly. My head is in pieces, kind of like the night I came back to Petaluma to find my stuff in the garage and no one home because my parents had gone up north to bury JB. I was a wreck, and I'm still one now. It's amazing how you can spend that amount of time with someone only to have them turn around and not talk to you at all even about your own breakup.
I'm completely awed that she thought this was the way we do things ; but at the same time I can understand it too. Her dad cheated on her mother for years, and Laura lived with this - so who knows what was going through her head when we left on this trip without her. Hell, I'd like to know! Laura encouraged me to go on this trip because she had been planning it all along. Her letter was complete BS - because she had this fixed from the start, and it breaks my heart to know she felt she had to do that instead of just talking to me. I would have changed anything for her, because I wanted to be her ideal mate and partner. I wanted to give her things she had never seen, and take her places she would never go. It's so sad to see it all end like this.
